doodledogma.com

Today is one of those days you just want to forget, ignore, get through, and wish it never happened.  I know, I know, there are people whose life is way worse than mine.  I know.  No one died.  No one is injured.  No one is sick, dying, or any of the other horrible things that can happen.  But right now my reality sucks.

I lost my job in April of this year.  The person who fired me is not a good person.  He had it in for me and a couple other folks on our sales team since he started.  He wanted to get rid of us and bring his old sales team into the company.  He also wants to push the CEO out so he can be CEO.  In short, he is one of those people who has to undermine and destroy other people so that he can feel good about himself.  Yes, you are saying to yourself, this is one bitter broad.  Well, yes, you are right.  I am bitter.  I was working 80 hours a week.  I was doing not just my job, but other people’s jobs.  No one had ever told me that I was not doing well.  In fact, I was always told I was doing a good job and to keep it up.  Then, totally out of the blue, like I said, no warning whatsoever, he fired me.

I am the primary breadwinner in our family.  My salary paid the majority of the bills.  Let me tell you, unemployment is a joke.  There is no way anyone can survive on unemployment.  I know you are not supposed to live on unemployment, you are supposed to go out and get a job.  Well, dammit, I am trying to find a job.  I have been spending 40+ hours a week working on finding a job.  I am networking, I am calling in favors, I am ‘doing all the right things’.

I am tired.  I am sick, bitter, and tired.

I have also become the maid for my house.  My husband does the dishes.  Let me clarify.  My husband will rinse off any dish in the sink and put it into the dishwasher after dinner during the week.  If there is a pot on the stove, or a dish cooling off on a trivet on the counter, not in the sink, he does not rinse it off and put it in the dishwasher.  I have been on strike the past 3 days.  Only 3 days.  Well, there are 4 empty soda cans by my husband’s chair.  There is a pile of dirty clothes on the floor in the bathroom.  The bed has not been made once.  There is a pot that boiled noodles sitting on the stove and has been for 2 days.  There are papers everywhere, shoes everywhere, the house is a mess, not dirty, just messy.  I cannot stand it.  Yup, I am going to cave in and clean everything since everyone else around here is freaking blind and lazy.

“Say something, ask them to clean it up.”  Great advice, except I have already done that!  My 9 year old I give a bit of leeway to since she is 9, but the other two, seriously?

My son’s father, who is supposed to be helping to pay for his college education, has not responded to a letter I sent two weeks ago asking him for his half of tuition and books.  (See, my son is going to a local community college this year since I lost my job.)  No, his father went to Paradise Island.  For a week. 

What’s that like?  What is it like to always put your needs before those of your childrens?  What is it like to be so selfish?

What is it like to live a selfish and self-absorbed life?  I am not saying I sacrifice everything for my children, but I sure don’t go spending my child’s college money on a freaking vacation.  In fact, I have not been on a vacation in over 9 years.  Why?  Because paying my bills and providing for my family does come first.  I am not going to miss paying for my child’s college so that I can go have fun on the beach for a week.

My son shared two things with me today.  His father has told him he has to get his passport applied for by the end of this month.  Won’t tell him why, AND, won’t pay for it.  To get your passport these days, it costs at least $100.  My son works, but he is saving up so that he will have spending money if he is able to go away to college next year.  He is not saving it so his stupid father can make him pay for his passport and not tell him why.  Also, even though my son is 18, I would never take him out of the country without consulting his father.  This jackass has said nothing to me.  Probably ’cause he is using said college money for this trip, too, instead of paying for his child’s education.  Second thing, my son’s car has a crack in the windshield.  He has no idea how it got there…more money for me to pay out with no income.  WTF?

Is this some damn test?  If it is, I am failing spectacularly.  I want to curl up into a ball and cry for days.  I am so tired.  I know other people have it way worse, but this is my reality.  If I don’t get a job soon, we are going to be in big trouble.  We could lose our house.  I am so freaking tired of working so hard, getting to a point where we can start saving so that we can take a vacation in the future and then getting smacked down, again, and again, and again.  I am not a bad person.  I stole eyeshadow from the local drugstore when I was in high school.  I hurt some people in my past by hurting their feelings.  I have not killed anyone, I have not stolen money, I have tried to help people, apologized to the folks I have hurt, why is life so hard?

I am off to take a shower and cry while I am in there.  I am sorry I am such a downer.  I hope that your day is much, much better than mine.